Marriage

       November 13, 1999.That was the day I said "I do" to my wife. It was one of the greatest days of my life, and one of the best decisions I've ever made. I remember everything about that day. Waking up with excitement. Putting the tuxedo on. Driving to the church. Nervous with anticipation. Seeing her walk down the aisle in that amazing dress. Almost losing it but keeping my composure during the vows. Heading to the reception in a limo. Being introduced for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Romano. And finally, completely overcome with emotion, sobbing as we shared our first dance. What a day.Our marriage has been amazing, challenging, filled with ups and downs but most of all, filled with us together. As a team. 2 becoming 1. I'm not going to pretend that our marriage is perfect or that I'm an expert on holy matrimony. But during our time together as husband and wife, I've realized that there are absolute essentials that have kept us together. Life means so much more when you can share it with someone else.Here are the 9 most important things that have helped us over the past 15 years.FAITH: When we were first married, God was NOT the most important thing in our lives. We got married in a church, went to services maybe once every 3-4 months but it wasn't the center of our marriage. Around 8 or 9 years ago, we both made a commitment to put the Lord first and it's really strengthened our marriage and transformed our lives for the better. ("Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these other things will be added to you" - Matthew 6:33)LOVE: Love is a word used all the time. I love the Cowboys. I love pizza. I love my favorite TV show. But that's not true love. My friend Jefferson Bethke says it beautifully. "True love is when someone sees all that you truly are, in pure vulnerability, and says I still want you. I'm committed to you. Not leaving."TRUST: The number one thing I stress in our household is trust. We have to know that our word is gold. And when we break that trust, it takes a long time to earn that back. But trust goes deeper than just your word. We trust that we won't intentionally hurt each other. We trust that we won't abandon one another during conflict. We trust that we will keep our marriage a top priority. We trust that we have each other's back. I know if my wife says she's going to pick up my daughter from school, that she will do that. We have a bond of trust that has, thankfully, sustained for the better part of 15 years. "The currency of any relationship is trust" - Justin Davis, author - Beyond OrdinaryCOMMUNICATION:  We're constantly improving on this. Over time in our marriage, there have been dry spells where communication wasn't at its peak. We'd go through the motions but not connect on a deeper level with what we were feeling. There's a big difference between talking and communicating. Talking is just idle banter that is going on through the day-to-day aspects of our lives. Communication is going deeper. Discussing issues of the heart. What is going on deep inside of you. Being open about these things with your spouse is extremely important and it's something I'm continuing to work on daily.LAUGHTER: I absolutely LOVE when my wife and I bring laughter or humor into our marriage. Whether it's something funny on TV, or a joke we tell, or making fun of each other's quirks, there's nothing like laughter to liven us up as husband and wife. We don't take ourselves too seriously and that helps us consistently with laughter. This quote is a beauty -- "We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." ~ Agnes RepplierSELFLESSNESS: Putting others before self. The most basic practice, and yet, the thing I think we struggle with the most. We are selfish by nature. Stephen Kendrick in his book Love Dare says - “Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves." -- This is so true. Selflessness is not something that comes naturally. We often want our spouses to conform to us, rather than us conforming to them. The only way selflessness can be present is if we're intentional about it. When we are intentional, we are deliberate. We act or speak on purpose. And here's the toughest part of all --- we are to make the interests of our spouse important to us. If my wife thinks cleaning is important, then I need to consider it important. (I'm still struggling with that one)  Practice being intentional by putting your spouses interest over yours.  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." - Philippians 2:3RESPECT: What is respect in marriage? I believe respect is when we treat our spouse in a thoughtful and courteous way. It means you avoid treating each other in a rude or ill-mannered way. This often happens when couples disagree or fight. In our marriage, we've had our challenges and disagreements, and we don't always treat each other in the proper way. However, we know that this isn't the proper way to behave. Sometimes it is the easy way though. Being disrespectful toward your partner often makes yourself feel empowered, in control. But the end result is disaster. Sustaining respect during a relationship takes effort.PATIENCE: The dictionary defines patience this way: "The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Patience is something I've had to work on for many years. But patience in marriage is essential. Adapting and integrating a new set of ways into our own lives is exactly why patience is so important. When we practice patience, there's peace inside each of us. The first thing the Bible says about love in 1 Corinthians is that it is patient. Patience is the root of joy. It's a gift, and like a seed, it grows best when we remember to tend it.FORGIVENESS: I believe Forgiveness is the most powerful tool in life. In marriage, it is so very important. We are all going to fail. We are all going to mess up. But how do we respond to these mistakes? How do we respond when someone wrongs us? In marriage, your spouse is going to do something to you that requires forgiveness. Learn to apologize when your spouse makes a mistake. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness leads to freedom in a marriage. ("Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13)You may be wondering why I didn't include happiness. That was intentional. Being happy is obviously important but happiness comes and goes, not just in marriage, but in life.  There will be moments that you aren't happy, but that doesn't mean you give up or move on.  Learn to do things intentionally that will bring back happiness when life pulls it away.I'll end this blog post with one of my favorite quotes on marriage from John Piper."Husbands and wives, recognize that in marriage you have become one flesh. If you live for your private pleasure at the expense of your spouse, you are living against yourself and destroying your joy. But if you devote yourself with all your heart to the holy joy of your spouse, you will also be living for your joy and making a marriage after the image of Christ and His church."